The List

I recently met with a friend who has fallen in strong like with a boy. She has this ethereal glow about her and a glimmer in her eye when she talks about the man who is the reason behind that wide smile on her face. I truly love to see it! The more we talked the more questions I asked. The more questions I asked the more answers I got. I’ll admit I was nervous to ask the question I really wanted to know but as she continued to express her joy over her newfound romance I had to stop being scary and ask…”how?”

A very simple question that to me reeked of desperation and that was not the vibe I was going for. I made a mental note to myself that day to stop allowing myself to continue to believe that I am above love. It’s an idea I adopted at a fairly young age because as the resident fat girl in my clique love seemed to…escape me for lack of a better term. “How?” It wasn’t that I didn’t understand how someone could want my friend. She’s amazing! It was just that I wanted to understand how everyone seemed to be excelling in an area of life that I seemed to continuously fail in. She told me, very simply, that I needed to step into my divine feminine energy and to also write a list of what I want in a partner and what I bring to the table. Ah! Homework was what I was missing! 

So we talked some more and eventually, she left and went home. Not gonna lie, I was fully prepared to brush off this list business. I’m not sure why I just was. However, it was like my journal and pen heard our conversation because around 10 pm that night their persistent calling of my name had me up and making my list. What I thought was going to be a fairly simple task that would take no more than 20 minutes proved to be far more of a task than I had bargained for. I just remember her saying, “be specific”. 15 pages later I specifically described (for the most part) my ideal partner. Funny enough, I felt…better? Calmer? I’m not sure how to describe it honestly. I just felt a sense of calmness over myself and the situation. I felt more self-aware and organized when it came to my thoughts on love and in a way that’s a very empowering feeling. 

So no this post won’t end in a whirlwind romance. My ideal partner did not show up the next day (lol) but I’m more hopeful than I’ve ever been. I know there’s still some work to be done on my part. I mean, I am for the first time in my life, openly admitting to wanting to be in union with someone other than myself and that’s a big step for me. I used to think that love was not only a chore but it also wasn’t for me. I decided years ago that I would be the unmarried fun aunt for the rest of my days. I can still be that aunt, but I would like to do it with a partner by my side. 

Oh did you think I was gonna say something like I can still be that aunt, but I want my own kids to be with them too or something??? Yea, no. Baby steps people. We just learned that I actually want a union with someone other than myself. It’s gonna be a very slow walk to the idea of having children. Then after the idea would come the actual act. So stay tuned! By the time I’m 60 we can revisit this post and think wow! Now could be the time to consider children! I don’t know about you but I’m excited about that possibility!

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